It's Classified (help me)
by LittleMissStark
Summary: Phil keeps having the same nightmares. repeating "I want to die" and tony can only take so much. he doesn't care if Phil wakes up punching and kicking. he'l wake him every time. and Phil wont talk. tony does what he does best: ignore rules and attempt to hack into Phil's computer. spoiler alert: it doesn't go well.
"Please...just let me die...just let me die." Tony woke to this as he does nearly every night to his fiancés nightmares. Tony turned over, seeing Phil with his hands holding his pillow so tightly in a white knuckle grip and curled up in a tight ball. He whimpered in his sleep. "Please...let me die." Tony couldn't take it. He knows he's likely to get punched (as Phil tends to wake up fighting when someone wakes him) and Phil told Tony to just let the nightmare run its corse, holding me while he's fine.

Well it wasn't fine In Tony's book. While Phils whimpered Tony moved closer, gently shaking him. Bracing himself for a punch that would surely happen. "Phil..Phils it's just a dream...your safe..wake-" Phil woke up, nearly screaming and punching the nearest target that happens to be Tony.

Tony got a blow straight in the eye, making him fall back onto the bed, happy that Phil wasn't dreaming about dying but his eye on the other hand protested that. Phil was shaking and realizing that he was home and safe and...he punched his fiancée in the face...again. Phil couldn't take this right now, whimpering as he sat up. "Oh god...Tony...I thought...I thought I told you.." Tony sat up fairly quickly, holding Phils arms. "Yes, you told me and I ignored it. It's my fault, not yours. You can't help you have nightmares." Phils lip trembled, a bit of his anxiety going down. "But I hurt you." Tony softened. "Because I'm an idiot that can't take you being in pain. "

Phil just leaned against him, resting his head on Tony's shoulder. Tony held him close, kissing his head. "Wanna talk about-" "No." Tony smiled sadly. "Wanna go have a hot cup of tea and watch Buffy?" Phil was quiet a moment before speaking. "Yes."

While Tony poured two hot mugs of tea Phils spoke, nearly starling Tony. "I told you not to wake me up anymore." Tony turned, handing him his mug of tea. "Easier said then done babe." Phil gave him a look. "I don't want someone thinking I'm abusing you or hurting you. I hate the thought of doing it without realizing it." Tony walked over, holding his mug of hot tea. "Do you know how hard it is to hear you saying you want to die over and over again? I've tried and Phil, those nights when I don't wake you, they kill me. I'd rather have a black eye then to keep you in the nightmare. Why don't you want to talk about it?"

Phil looked away. "It's classified." Tony gave him a look. "And I'm the queen of England. " Phil let out an annoyed breath. "Tony..." He said with warning in his voice. Tony's face softened. "What is it your always telling me about my nightmares? To talk about them. You know I'l understand more then anyone." Phil stood up from his chair. "I know Tony." Tony walked closer. "Then why won't you talk to me?" Phil looked at Tony. "Because it's too horrifying to even think about. Now let's go binge watch a few season of Buffy." Tony sighed, nodding and following him to the entertainment part of the Shield HQ.

If he wanted to know what really happened or why he won't talk about it he's gonna have to be sneaky.  
And by sneaky he means hacking into SHIELD

He attempted while Phil was on a mission with May and Hunter, leaving him with the wonder twins. First he went through Phils office. Every drawer and opening. Found nothing that might give him answers. Just a USB with pictures on it of there vacations when they manage get one.

He tried hacking into Phils computer but before he could get anywhere an alarm sounded and the computer shut down. Of corse there would be counter measures. Suddenly Agent May, Skye and Mack busted through the door, guns aimed at him. Skye was the first to speak. "Tony? What the hell?"

Tony gave a nervous laugh, his hands in the air in surrender. "Uh...this looks bad. May, can we talk?" She nodded, the rest left as she closed the door, getting the gun from her holster. Tony put his back hands up in shock. "Whoa, Melinda! What are you doing? I just want to talk." She gave him a blank look, the gun aimed at him. "Then talk and maybe I'l decide if your not HYDRA."

Tony took in a breath. "Phil has been having nightmares. I know, he always does but this one has been more frequent. Nearly every night for a month he keeps repeating "please kill me. I want to die" and...please I just want to know what happened so I can help him." May let her gaze linger a moment longer before holstering her gun. "Is that how you got that black eye?" Tony nodded, lowering his hands. "Yeah. Kinda wakes up kicking and punching. Phils told me not to wake him because of that but...I can't just sit there while he's begging to die." May looked away a moment before letting out a breath. "I know you mean well but I'm not authorized to tell you that information." Tony sighed. "So you won't help me?" "Not by hacking into classified information but Phils my friend. I'l talk to him for you. See if it'l get through and hopefully he'l talk to you."

Tony wanted to hug her but knew that would more likely end with a punch. He just smiled. "Thank you, really." She motioned to the door. "Get out of his office." He nearly ran.

When Phil came back from said mission and wanted nothing more then to snuggle with his future husband, May stood in his way just as he was stepping off the ship. "We need to talk." Phil was nothing but professional. "Somethings up?" She guided him back into the ship once it was empty. She turned to him. "It's about Tony." And now all that professionalism is gone as he worried. "Is he ok? Did something happen?" "He attempted to hack into your office computer to find out the source of your nightmares." Phil looked away.

May continued. Her voice a little softer. "You have to tel him sometime Phil. He's going to be your husband." "I have told him. Maybe not the details." "Then tell him the details. Lord knows you need someone to talk to about this." Phil looked up at her. "I talk to you about it." "Once and you barely told me anything. Phil, your one of my best friends, please, talk to him. He just wants to help." Phil looked around, as if looking for an answer. "I can try. It's not easy to talk about." "Then tell him you'll talk to him when your ready. He'l understand."

When Phil managed to get into his office to do the paper work, he tried to work up the courage to talk about it. Really talk about it. Get down to the dark, nitty-gritty details that no one should ever know. But the thought of it just makes his skin crawl and his breath get a little faster. Maybe he wasn't ready quite yet.

He lost himself in paper work, losing track of time when there was a knock on the door. He didn't even look up. "Come in." The door opened, Tony walking in and smiling, a bit weakly. "Thought I'd find you here. May said you got back hours ago." "We did. I have paper work." Tony went and sat across from him. "Did she talk to you?" Phil stopped, looking at Tony. "Yes. You caused some trouble today." "With good intentions!"

Phil smiled weakly. "Don't you know the saying the way to hell is paved with good intentions." Tony shrugged. "Well your not talking to me...are you?" Phil shook his head. "No. Not yet." He spun a pen in his hands. "I'm not ready Tony. I know I've talked about it before but it wasn't details." "Kinda got that. Told just enough so we would know what's going on. But that's it. Leaving us on a cliffhanger babe." Phil shot a weak glare before sighing. "Sorry. I'm not ready and I will talk to you when I do. In the mean time please don't get yourself in trouble." Tony smiled. "No promises."

So they went to sleep that night. Phils nightmares returning as he curled in a tight ball, asking and muttering for death. He tried to respect his lovers wishes and didn't wake him up. But he did hold him and kiss what skin he could and wished to whatever God was listening that this would help.

It didn't. And Tony had to hear Phil ask for death half the night, leaving him emotionally drained, crying silently into the sheets and Phils back.

It was quiet the next day. Tony helped the wonder twins and basically avoided Phil when he could. Not flat out ignoring him, never. Just...not really in the mood for affection.

When they went to sleep Phil continued to beg to death and Tony held him, trying desperately to respect Phils wishes because he knows trying to fight it will only make Phil go into his mind and stubbornness even deeper.

The next day Tony had fallen asleep at the work desk, having a nightmare of his own. He whimpered and tensed and sweet Simmons went to wake him up only to have Tony startle awake from her touch, making his hand go flailing which made a bottle of some toxic chemical go flying and breaking, causing the lab to go on lock down for five hours.

While Tony, Fitz and Simmons were stuck until decontamination ends May talked to Phil. "You haven't talked to him yet?" "I'm not ready to talk about it." "Your relationship is straining from it. It's been two days he hasn't woken you up and it's taking its toll on him." "He's finally listening to me." She gave a glare. "And it's eating away at him. " "He's fine." "He's fallen asleep during lab duties. Stop being a stubborn idiot and talk to him." With that May walked away. This couldn't be putting a strain on there relationship.

But when decontamination was over it was nearly time for bed and while he was getting ready for bed Tony got his pillow and a blanket, starting to walk out of the room. Until Phil stopped him. "Tony?" Tony stopped, looking at Phil with a sad look. "Sorry, I was gonna try sleeping out on the couch. I...don't want to wake you up. No, I do want to, you don't want me to and I can only take you begging for death so much." Phil didn't have a response for that as Tony left the room.

He didn't think it would happen. Tony was doing more then stepping out of the room. It was a first, small step out of his life. And he couldn't take that. He got the USB that held the video and followed quickly.

He got to the living area where Tony was looking lost as he put the pillow on the couch.  
"Tony?" Tony looked surprised, seeing Phil at the end of the couch. "Hey." Phil swallowed, holding the USB in shaky hands. "Can I sit?" Tony nodded, moving over as Phil moved next to him, getting the laptop from the coffee table, turning it on. Tony looked confused. "What are you doing?" "Taking. I've been a coward and an idiot and I should have done this sooner." Tony watched as Phil hooked up the USB and brought up a video. It was Phil on the screen, explaining the T.A.H.I.T.I project and what it was for. Cutting to the actual procedure that Fury demanded they use on Phil, even with the unethical prospect of it.

Tony was so grateful Phil was with him but he really wanted to punch Fury in the face for putting him through this. On the screen the doctor was telling Fury he didn't want to do this, it's horrible. But Fury made him do it. They messed with Phils brain, injected him with some strange alien DNA that they barely knew at the time. He couldn't watch anymore.

"Turn it off." Phil quickly shut the laptop. Tony turned, seeing how hard it must be to keep his calm. He could see his hands shaking and his eyes watery. Before he could speak Phil beat him to it, speaking quiet and low. "When I was out in the memory machine I had to relive that. Raina wanted to know how I was back from the dead and I found out what they really did. I...I felt hurt and lied to. I remember the pain of being hooked up to that thing, I can still feel it picking at my brain.." His hands hand come up to his hand, trying to swipe away imaginary machinery, tears starting to go down his face as he shook with anxiety.

Tony went and held his hands, bringing them back down to his lap, holding them. "Hey, it's ok. Breath with me." Phil leaned against him, matching his breathing and calming. Tony wrapped his arms around him, kissing his head "So then there's really nothing I can do?" "Nope." Tony sighed. "Then I'm still waking you up, I don't care if I get punched, I can't take you begging for death. I love you. " He felt Phil relax against him. "Fine." "Wanna marathon Buffy until you fall asleep?" Phil smiled against Tony's shoulder. "You know me too well."

AN: sorry it's such a shitty ending. I literally have no idea how to end it. Hope you enjoyed it anyway.


End file.
